This past Sunday, Vicar Aaron preached the third sermon in our Marks of Maturity series. If you missed it, be sure to listen to his message on embracing community. Speaking of community, this was Vicar Aaron’s last sermon and last Sunday at Holy Cross. We will deeply miss Aaron, Clara, and Elijah, and we pray that his final year at seminary will be blessed with growth and purpose as their family prepares for his ordination and first call.
Fact vs. Fiction: The Dangers of Storytelling
This week, I want to go deeper into the theme of embracing community by addressing something that often weakens and ruptures our life together in Christ: storytelling. I came across this concept a few years ago while attending a marriage retreat led by Rev. Dr. Justin Hannemann from GracePoint Institute for Relational Health. A common behavior within all human relationships is that we tell ourselves stories about people and situations. We often internally brood about a conversation, event, or circumstance. We make assumptions and judgments about the motives, character, and culpability of others. Typically, the stories we tell cast us as the innocent character and others as the guilty ones. We end up with a distorted view of ourselves, others, and even reality. Within the community of Christ’s church, the net result of such storytelling is pride, anger, fear, judgment, distance, gossip, strained relationships, and even relationship cut off.
Now, some storytelling is natural and benign. As limited human beings, we don’t have access to all the facts about ourselves and others. The only way we can successfully navigate the uncertainty of the past, present, and future is by filling in the gaps between the facts. So, let’s say that someone is late to an appointment. We typically don’t interpret this lateness as malicious. We will fill in the gap about why that person is late with some reasonable hypotheses. Maybe there was traffic, another appointment ran over, etc.
However, storytelling is often negative and destructive to community. Rather than focusing on observable facts and refraining from unfairly filling in details, we start creating facts out of fiction. Maybe that person is late because they don’t really care about this meeting. Maybe she’s lazy and can’t get her act together. If he were as organized as I am, maybe he would be here five minutes early. It’s amazing how one single event can provoke a whole host of judgments and interpretations. Some of these stories may be truer than we realize, but not verifiable at the moment. Others may be only partially true. And still others might be completely false—just a projection of our own pride, judgment, and insecurity.
Examples of Unhealthy Storytelling
Let’s think about an example that might easily play out in a congregation. And let’s be specific—two instances of unhealthy storytelling that involve the pastor and a member. I have chosen two fictional examples from the perspectives of the pulpit and the pew because the relationship between pastor and people is often complicated and subject to all kinds of assumptions.
So, imagine that the pastor is preaching a sermon on the often touchy subject of giving. His goal in this particular sermon is to move the members from a scarcity mindset to one of sacrificial faith and generosity. At a pivotal point in the sermon—a point he suspects will stretch and challenge the congregation—an obviously distraught member gets up and quickly leaves the sanctuary. Midway through the sermon, he begins to imagine that this member was offended by something he said, or maybe the way he said it. He struggles through the remaining five minutes of the message, and during the next worship song, he can’t focus on worship because he’s second-guessing whether or not his message was too pointed or untimely. The rest of the week he agonizes over this incident and loses sleep.
During the same sermon, a man who typically appreciates the pastor’s preaching is seething with anger. He recently lost his job and hasn’t been giving for the last few months. He already feels guilty about his lack of giving because he made a pledge earlier in the year and also took a nice vacation despite his lack of employment. The pastor’s words prick his heart. He feels singled out. He wonders if the pastor has noticed his lack of giving. After all, there were a few points in the sermon when the pastor made direct eye contact with him. After church, the man shakes the pastor’s hand, smiles, and goes off into the week deeply offended.
Focusing on the Facts
Now, let’s stop and review these stories according to the actual facts. If the pastor were to be curious about the member’s sudden emotional exit, if he were secure enough in his own vocation to withhold assumptions, and if he asked a simple question a few days later—“Hey, I noticed you left during worship this past Sunday. Is everything OK?”—he would learn that this member had missed a few phone calls and texts from a grandchild who just had a car accident. Hence the sudden, distraught exit. Of course, it’s always kind to let the pastor know why you abruptly left worship, but this is a lot to ask when someone is dealing with a crisis.
Additionally, if the member were to live in a world of facts over assumptions, he would know that the pastor doesn’t even look at the members’ giving records. Furthermore, the pastor was trained in seminary to move his eyes back and forth across the sanctuary as he preaches, thus connecting with his hearers rather than staring blankly at his manuscript, the wall, or, heaven forbid, just one person. The eye contact was not meant to single this man out. It was a “best practices in preaching” habit that provoked the man’s preexisting guilt, insecurity, and frustration about his current situation.
Situations that Provoke Unhealthy Storytelling
Preaching isn’t the only occasion for storytelling. Here are several situations and environments that often lead to unfair storytelling in congregations:
When a member is missing from church. We are tempted to fill in the gaps about what led to their absence. Reaching out would be much better. However, “ghosting” on the part of the missing member only increases the temptation to solve the mystery on the basis of assumptions rather than facts.
When a major decision is announced by the church leadership. Members might deal with their anxiety or disapproval of the decision by assigning motives, gossiping, or talking to everyone except the leadership.
When a staff member resigns or is asked to resign. This often gets the rumor mill running on overtime. We’re tempted to concoct ecclesiastical conspiracy theories without objective evidence.
When someone fails to meet expectations. For example, a pastor does not arrive at the bedside of a dying member in time, or a VBS volunteer does not show up three out of the five days. We make assumptions about character or competency without knowing all the circumstances and details.
When pastors and elders begin the process of church discipline with a member who is engaged in continual unrepentant behavior that is harmful to his or her salvation and the integrity of the community. The false or partially true stories we tell ourselves might stand in the way of the biblical exercise of Matthew 18:15-20.
During a time of congregational, community, or national crisis. In these events, anxiety is elevated. We often deal with our anxiety by seeking certainty and assigning blame, and storytelling becomes the tool to achieve these ends.
How Do We Guard Against Unhealthy Storytelling?
First, focus on the facts. I like to distinguish between meta-facts and specific facts. Meta-facts are the facts that are always true, all the time. For example, the 8th Commandment is a meta-fact: You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Luther’s explanation is also a helpful reminder to focus on facts over fiction: We should fear and love God so that we do not tell lies about our neighbor, betray him, slander him, or hurt his reputation, but defend him, speak well of him, and explain everything in the kindest way. In other words, “You shall not tell stories about your neighbor, but deal with him according to observable facts.”
Another meta-fact is the gospel. When the impulse arises to tell stories about others, we must also see them through the lens of the gospel. This person, about whom I am tempted to tell stories, is a beloved, baptized child of God. This meta-fact shapes the way we think, speak, and act toward others.
Specific facts are the particular actions and words we have observed. For example, if the pastor in the previous story focused on facts, he would note two things. First, the member left during his sermon on giving, and second, it appeared, as far as he could tell, that she was upset. That’s it. Those are the only facts available. Everything else, true or untrue as it might be, must be subjected to scrutiny. The stories we tell are fictions until proven otherwise.
Second, be curious about others. Curiosity is the opposite of judgment. Rather than judging or assuming, curiosity leads us to ask questions to better understand reality. For example, the pastor emailing or calling the member who left during the sermon is an example of curiosity.
Third, be curious about yourself.You can’t stop stories from arising in your mind. They bubble up unexpectedly and often without our permission. It’s what we do with these stories that matters. When you are curious about these stories, you’re asking yourself deeper questions about your own motivations. Why might I be tempted to assume this? What insecurities or past experiences give momentum to this narrative? What am I afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen, and even if the worst happens, I’m still baptized, right? Practicing this kind of Holy Spirit-led curiosity keeps us open to others and honest about ourselves. It also protects our minds, hearts, and community from being hijacked by anxiety and judgment. We won’t allow unfair storytelling to run the show.
Fourth, and finally, avoid gossip at all costs.Gossip is often not limited to sharing facts but also involves swapping fictional or partially true stories about people and situations. Gossip is not only unfair, it’s also terribly destructive to Christian community.
In summary, may the Holy Spirit lead us, by His grace, to guard, keep, and build up the sacred gift of community within Christ’s Body. May we honor our Lord and one another by focusing on those things that are true rather than those things that might be true.
